Tranquility in Conflict | Ajahn Brahm

Tranquility In Conflict by Ajahn Brahm

Okay, here we go. For this evening, stand the talk. Again, I wasn't too sure what I was going to talk about, as usual, but there was a piece of paper with somebody as asked a question. Here it was. Please share with us the Buddhist teachings on the power of tranquillity in the face of domestic, communal and international conflict, and also just as okay, when somebody said that. Can you also talk about, you know, relationship communication, communication and relationships? So today I'm going to try and weave a talk about both subjects. How especially tranquility actually can assist in the conflicts, either personal, family, religious and international conflicts and also in relationships, and how the three little bit of tranquility we can see more deeply into the problem, and where we see more deeply into the problem, we can actually be more effective in not causing conflict by solving conflict. And perhaps one of the reasons why this has got me interested in this evening, because one of my friends sent me a little article they had written about the, uh. Some of the, uh, uh, responses to the tsunami about God and Christianity and why there is so many arguments and problems with different religions, whether within Buddhism or between Buddhism and other other religions. And why are there so many problems? It's almost like, you know, when you become a monk, you get rid of all these problems with like relationships. You don't have arguments with a wife because you don't have one, but then you end up having arguments with other religions. And so what's the point of this? This is the same thing, so hopefully won't be the same thing. So this evening to see how we can use especially tranquility to solve all of these problems where we have differences of opinion, where we don't listen to one another, and why it is that we have conflict as a result. Obviously, the more tranquil you become, it gives two benefits. First of all, the just become more peaceful inside yourself and more happy inside yourself. So you don't get so grumpy. I was talking about this last week how with tranquility you get more compassion. I mentioned that last week. This week I'm going to say how tranquility you gain more wisdom because when you quiet, you feel good. The tensions are gone. There's no stress. You are more tolerant towards other people and you can see that very easily. Your ability to be compassionate is increased enormously depending upon how to think you are, how peaceful you are. If you don't believe me next Friday night, don't come to this center and to see how grumpy you are. Unless we come to the center to see how peaceful and kind you are after you come here. Even just the way that you drive home sometimes, that you're in a rush going to work or you don't really feel good, you don't let other people in in front of you or trying to turn in on a busy road. Why do you do that? You have the time interest and you don't feel like it. But after you're nice and peaceful and calm, you notice you have much more space in your life for other people and for other things. You also have much more space in your life for when people do things wrong. The more rushing around you are, the more stressful you are to the less tolerance you have for other people's, um, insensitive actions and insensitive speech. Which is why I just having a little bit of tranquility and quiet can help enormously solve your relationship problems. What I said last week, when you have an argument, quiet time, time out instead of having an argument. But I made some that last week. This week I want to see how tranquility actually makes you more wise. Because when you are tranquil, not only are you more compassionate, but you are able to hear, to see, to listen, to feel, to know what's truly going on. When you're tranquil, when the rain stops, you don't actually interpret things in the same old ways. You're not like a creature of habit anymore. You can actually see more deeply into things. This tranquility is always a cause for deep seeing because we move around so fast and so much, we never have a time to appreciate anything properly. And that's a problem with our lives. I remember as being seven years as a monk before I went back to see my family in England. For seven years I've lived in the forest, in the jungles for seven years. I just slowed down. And you can imagine what it was like when the first time I saw a television. After seven years, I was in a person's house. I remember it, it was etched into my mind in Edinburgh when we went for a cup of tea before giving a talk in somebody's house, and it was in the same room, just looking through the door and as a television. I couldn't believe just how fast those images were moving and just how they grated of my mind. Ah, it was torture. If you want to torture a monk and get some confession out of him sitting in front of a television for his age, I said, oh, I'm off no more. I give in. The point is for me, because my mind was so sensitive. Just the way those images moved so much, it was just painful to see. But of course, people get used to that. But the point I tried to make is when you get tranquil, your mind gets so sensitive, you can see deep into things. You're not just seeing the superficial information, but you actually going deeper into things. It's always the case that wisdom, especially in line with wisdom, comes from a still mind. It's as if when you've got like a cup with some sediment into it, and when it's all moving around so the whole liquid gets very, um, what's it called? Uh, uh, cloudy. But when you let it settle down, when you're still, everything still goes to the bottom. You can see through things. It's nice and calm, it's nice and clear and you can see properly. Or just like assembly of, like the waves on the lake when his waves on the lake and you look from down on the surface, all you actually see is the reflections of the sky, which is why water looks blue or grey on a cloudy day. Water is not grey. Water is not blue. In our monastery, the dams look green. And it's not because they're polluted or because his Nagas live in the bottom of it. The reason why it looks green, not because of dragons, is mystic dragons. It's not because, uh, that's not the reason why it's green. And the reason why our lakes look green. Because it's in a valley. There's a steep hillside on the other side. All you're seeing is a reflection of the trees. That's why I look screen. Now, the point is here that when the water is agitated, you don't really see deeply into it to see surface reflections when that lake is absolutely still. Again, if you just look from the side, you don't look properly. Again, you just see the reflection. It's like a mirror. But when it is still and you look in the right place, in other words, right overhead, because it's still, you can see right to the very bottom of that water because there's nothing to distort your perception. Now I use that simile to show why stillness is where we really can listen and hear. We're not distorting our perception with the waves of like and dislike on our mind. When you're listening to your partner, or listening to yourself, or listening to people of other religions or other ideas, when we're moving, when there's agitation on the surface, we always get the wrong idea and we end up arguing with each other, fighting with each other. We never really understand each other. This is a big problem in our world. We think too quickly. We are not still enough to really feel and understand each other. Communication. Knowing what the other person is saying and thinking always is best in stillness. Can you do that? The next time your partner is talking to you, become that still, you are like that lake without any waves on the surface. So the whole information is seen exactly for what it is. When it's waves that you actually distort what the person says, and sometimes you don't realize that's happening. I mean, it's very easy to understand how you distort the message when you're in a bad mood or when you're in a good mood, when you're in a bad mood. Whatever they say, whatever they do. It's always therefore, when you're in a good mood, when you just fall in love, whatever they do, whatever they say, even as I mentioned before, the way they pick their nose is so cute. Your point is. The point is that it's not them picking the nose. It's not them being kind or good. It's just actually what you want to see. It's just the waves of like and dislike distort. What you actually hear, in fact, is when something comes out of my mouth before it goes into your brain, there's a lot of interference and distortion on the way. This is the problem between communication that we filter. We don't actually pay attention and get all the information. There was that story which was in the, um, printed in the, uh, time magazine or some psychological magazine some years ago. Are these people who just actually showed the distortion of perception and just how little we actually see. And the first experiment was done when this, uh, two psychologists or one psychologist rather went up to the student and asked them their way to the chemistry lab on the campus of a university in the US. And before that person could answer, two workmen went between them with a big door. It was very rude, but who cares? It's such a small thing. And after passing between them with a big door, the person asked the student again, where's the chemistry lab? Over there. But what the student didn't notice was the person, or rather, the first person who asked that question actually went along with the door and was replaced by another person. So the person who first asked the question was not the person who asked the question again. And the point of the experiment was to see if the student being asked noticed any difference, and they had all different combinations of changes. And there's sort of a man and then a woman, a black guy, and then a sort of a Chinese guy, and then a small woman and a big guy or whatever. And it was amazing at how most of the time they didn't recognize that the person who changed, because the point was when that question was being asked, our mindfulness, our alertness, our perception only saw the question and the questioner was irrelevant. So they remembered the question, but they didn't remember the person who asked it. This is what happens with the way we communicate. We filter what we think is irrelevant material. Either one who asks a question and we only remember what we think is important. In that case, the question. So the question that could change it and they wouldn't notice. Now this is what happens in the way we listen to each other, or even the way we listen to life, or even the way the religions listen to each other or politicians listen to one another. We filter. We only listen. To what we think is important. So when Mr. Barnett has talked to Mr. Gallop, they only listen for the faults. Got him anything which is important to the whole aim of getting out, getting one over of their opponents. And now you can understand how there is arguments, even in your life and your family, sometimes in such a bad mood. When we listen to our partner, we're just listening to something to which fulfils our bad mood. To prove that, yeah, you know, they're just giving us a hard time. They're doing something to us out of malice when really, they're not at all. It's just how we interpret it, what we're looking for. We will always manage to find, because we have these waves of ill will, or even this way, waves of even wanting and attachment. Whatever you want to see there, you usually can find, you usually can see because you just get what you think is there. This is the way that we interfere with perception. We distort it. The other experiment which was done, which was quite fascinating, was where these psychologists in Harvard, they got their students, their, uh, their data to go into a movie theater. And on that movie screen were flashed images, and they had to decide what those images were. But these images were, first of all, flashed so quickly you could even see what it was. And they increase the exposure millisecond by millisecond And so the people could get some idea. It was flashed so quickly, some idea of what it was, and they flashed it quicker and quicker and quicker. And to see if they changed their perception idea of what their image was. The point of that experiment was this, that even though they had not got enough information to find out exactly what that was, the image was flashed too quickly. They made up their idea. They made the decision, they decided what it was, and once they made a decision, they stuck to it. And even though later on the exposure was such that an ordinary person would see it straight away to be something else, they would not give up their first impression. The example which I remember from reading this very interesting article on the way we perceive things and why we get into arguments, was they showed a photograph of the stairs leading out to one of the lecture rooms in a very well-used part of Harvard, and one of the students. This was an example when they saw that flash very quickly on the screen. To them it appeared maybe it might be a ship. And I kept on looking at it as a ship, writing it down as a ship as the exposure was extended. And when it got to a point that any normal person, you or I would go in there, I'm assuming you're normal because I'm normal. When I said any normal person, you or I, you never know who comes to Buddhist society on a Friday night. But we said we were all normal then. Any normal person seeing that at that exposure would see straight away. That was a set of steps leading up to a well-known lecture theater. But for this person are these people, once they decide it was a ship, they kept on insisting, it's a ship. They looked upon it as a ship that had nothing to prove. Its just the way the perception worked. Once they had decided what it was, that's what they saw. Even though the evidence was obviously contradictory and it was only when the exposure was so long. It was just such, such a clear impression that they finally saw their mistake. It was an experiment in how perception works and how well we stick to our views. But sometimes we're unwilling to change, even though the evidence is just so, so strong. Now you can understand why we have arguments. You're right. I never said that to you. You say you're wrong. I right? Now, how can everybody be right? What is the reason why we have these arguments which stop us really communicating effectively? It is because you see things according to your distortions of the world, and your partner sees things according to their your distortions of the world. The amazing thing about the Buddhist teachings, when you start to understand how this mind works and how our views are formed, is once you have a view of what life is or what your partner is, or what the truth is, we tend to stick to that in spite of all the evidence, we will not let go of our views and our ideas, even though it's obvious that it's wrong. You know what it's like with your husband or with your wife. How stubborn they are. It's easy to see how stubborn your partner is, but can you see how stubborn you are? Because that's you as well. That stubbornness is if you understand that and see that and understand why it works. Is our nature there likes and dislikes? The other example, which was given in this amazing study, which really opened up a lot of understanding into the nature of the mind, was where one of those images which were put on the screen was a disgusting, a repulsive image. There was of two dogs copulating there because there was a repugnant, repulsive image which people didn't really want to see. It took them such a long time, more time than others actually recognising what was really happening there. And it showed whenever there's any ill will. I don't want to see this. What happens to the modest nature? You just don't see it. This is how denial happens. And so because we have this distortion of the world, the way we see the world is not the way the world is. And it's mostly because of these waves of likes and dislikes. That is why we have all these arguments in the world where everybody thinks they're right, and where there's never any possibility of a grievance. Now, the point of that is that once we learn how to have a bit of tranquility in our life, once we learn how to be still, once we don't have those waves, then we actually see things in a bit more clarity the way things really are. As the Buddha said, when we get wisdom coming from tranquility, we don't get so upset anymore. We understand what's happening. We understand why Christians believe in Christ, why Buddhist believe in karma, why no Jews believe in Israel or whatever it is. We understand the why where this comes from. It was always a very difficult thing for me to understand. When I was a young Buddhist, I couldn't understand why everyone else wasn't a Buddhist. It was obvious it was the best religion. And so I realized my stupidity. Is because my stupidity. Because I couldn't say why did I think Buddhism was the best religion? I'll tell you why. I thought, because I was a Buddhist, that's why. Because I was a Buddhist. Because I believed in Buddhism. Because that was my view. Everything I saw, if it didn't agree with Buddhism, my mind would filter it out and I could even see it. I was in denial and anything which agreed with Buddhism, all those, uh, bits of evidence in the newspapers or the magazines, those are the ones which I kept. I cut out and kept anything which disagreed with my position I'd ever kept that. I even forgot it because you can see just when you are got a view like that, you invest your your ego yourself in that, then you are unwilling to give it up. In the same way that when you invest your ego in your relationship about being the possibility of being right and not having enough selflessness to allow yourself to be wrong. That you will always defend your position, just like the US Army. But with your wife. With your husband as, say, the insurgents, as the terrorists. How do you know what happens in such situations? There's no hope of any peace. So it's important that one doesn't act in such a way. But while it's tranquil, stand back and see what's really happening with one's really sees what's happening in tranquility. One has no desire. So this is you've got different views about what happened, but that is life that's going to happen. She's got different experiences. I've got different experiences. So let's not argue that I am right and they are wrong. So what tranquillity tells us as we know how the mind works, how the mind forms, views and opinions. We know where they come from. Well, we know where those views and opinions come from. We never take any of those as being absolute real truths so we don't argue anymore. I always say those views and opinions, they're approximations. They're like guidebooks to Paris. They can be written by Lonely Planet, or they can be written by some other sort of travel guide, like Michael Palin or whatever his name is. But one person's view on Paris is not the same as another person's view on Paris, even though they're describing the same city, their views are different. And if you've never been to Paris, you may actually argue who's right and who's wrong because you don't recognize what they're both saying. It's the same with religion. It's the same with married life. It's the same in yourself when you've never been to the truth. You think that these arguments are different things. So we're arguing over sort of, uh, someone's right and someone's wrong. The point is that these are just approximations to truth. There's the old Buddhist story of the one monks seeing a flag and saying, the flag is waving in the wind. And the other monks said, the flag is not moving, the wind is moving. And they couldn't decide which one was right. Was the flag moving or was the wind moving? So they went to see the Zen monk and he said, the mind is moving. And then I went to see the Theravada monk who said, the three of you are wrong. The mouth was moving. So shut up and be quiet. And that's a much better way to see the truth and harmony in the world. But the point is, both for them are all wrong in a sense. So it's just different ways of looking at things. You can look upon it. The flag is moving. That's true. You can look. A part of the wind is moving. That's true. You can look upon it. The mind is moving. That's true. You can look at what it is. The mouth is moving. That is also true. This is different ways of seeing the same thing. So they're all true in one sense, but they're all wrong in the other sense because they're just approximations. They're not true. They just describe the truth. And just like guidebooks, just like menus, I always like to use the word menus because these are the concepts, that is menus, which is in restaurants, which describe the food which you eat. But the trouble is, there are so many different menus to life. There's a Christian menu, there's a Buddhist menu, the Islamic menu and Buddhism. There's a tera vada menu, the Z menu, the Mahayana menu, and there's all these other atheist menus, agnostic menus, liberal menus, ALP menus to life, well, liberal. There's all different menus to life, but. Are they describing different things or are they describing the same things but from different perspectives? Now that is the interesting question. Their point is that someone thinks they have only got the only menu which really exists. And our menu is absolutely right because our menu was written by God. And of course that's absolute stupidity. Menus are just menus. The food may have been cooked by some god, but the menu wasn't written by any god. The menu is there to describe something which is absolute, which is very deep, and it's not in the menu. And if you just argue over the menus, you are never going to get a good meal. So the point is, the menu is there, which is pointing to something. Ideas and thoughts and views. They're pointing to something. Find out what they're pointing to, but don't argue over the signposts. It is true. If you are the south of Perth, you see the sign. Perth is to the north. If you are to the north of Perth, you see the signs saying practice to the south. If you're to the west of Perth, be careful, you're in the ocean. The point is that I point to different places, but they pointed, so they're pointing in different directions, but they're pointing in the same place. And this is the problem. We don't understand this. We can get very, very confused. It's like this story of this and this Nasreddin, this is a muslim story. And if you like to listen to good stories like that, my story opened the door of the heart. This is ancient Islamic tradition of Sufis, where Nasreddin is this character who gets into very, very interesting situations and very funny stories, but meaningful stories. And anyone who's got a teenage son will recognize this story. Because when Nasreddin was a teenager, his father, who was in the salt business, will be carrying salts on his donkeys from place to place. And whenever they went across a ravine in which there was a rope bridge, if that donkey was leaning to the left and about to fall into the river, the father would always tell Nasreddin, leading the donkey if they donkey was failing, if he said, push it to the left. Because whatever the father said, that boy would always do the opposite. So I say push it to the left. And of course, naturally, being a teenager will push it to the right. And so that way the donkey would actually be balanced. If the dog goes into the right, Nasreddin, push it to the right. And so he'd push it to the left and it'll be balanced. And that way they'd always get the donkeys over the the rope. But one day it did happen. The donkey was leading to the right, and his father said, no, I didn't push it to the right. And he did, and it fell in the water, lost all his soul, and killed the donkey. So why did you do that for? And that's it. Didn't you realize it was my birthday today? I'm 20. I'm not a teenager anymore. It's the play that's the fight against. It's the only. It's a silly story, but I'm getting hard up the stories these days. That part of that story is that, like, sometimes, like, even these ideas, if we stick to them without a doubt, because the story's instructions are just one way of looking at things, and they're always contingent. They're conditioned. It may be a work in that time and that place, but it's not universal. And all menus, all signposts are just like that. They work in certain situations and certain contingent situations always. And this is a lot of the time where we have arguments. Yeah, it was right yesterday. It might not be right today. We have to adapt. That's why even Buddhism, we got some basic principles. We always have to adapt and put it this way, put it that way. Because sometimes you're in the South, you have to point to the north, sometimes you know north, you have to point to the south how to be adapted. But when you're tranquil, when you actually very, very peaceful, you can understand what the signposts and what these signs are all about, because all these signs are pointing to tranquility, to peace, to stillness, to the wisdom which arises from that stillness and peace. For example, when you have a relationship. That stillness in that peace is called your love together. Know the reason why you're living together, what you're really aiming for, what the most important thing is. And actually, sometimes you need to emphasize that love. You know, sometimes, you know, you got to talk about the problems because sometimes you emphasize that love. You have to just stop talking and just agree with each other. Sometimes you just have to say, look, let's stop arguing. Let's have a timeout. Let's remember why we got married. So it's a time and place when you understand what's really, really important. What the what the the menu is pointing to what the food of life actually is. The place of tranquility, the harmony, the essence of truce. We understand what all these different ideas are pointing to. Then you understand how to have harmony. How to have a proper relationship. Because our relationship should be founded on something which is more than just your ideas. And you can understand what I'm talking about here, because it's something which we all aspire to, which sometimes we touch the happiness of peace, the fulfilment, the stillness, the kindness, the love, the compassion which truly is holy. Sometimes you ask, and what is the essence of life? You know, what is the idea of a guardian in the theistic meditations? What's the idea of a dharma in Buddhism? And it's certain ideas which you can actually get close to, because there are times in your life when you felt real peace. I don't mean just a bit of quiet outside of you, but quiet inside of you. When everything's become still and it's almost perfect. There's a time when you actually seen or felt just real compassion, real love. And that's just so selfless. It's just so empty. That person is just not concerned about themselves. And it's just so, so beautiful. I heard a story of compassion, uh, yesterday. The persons here today. So thank you for telling me this wonderful story comes from the tsunami in Sri Lanka, because apparently there was this gentleman who will go to the lagoon every day to feed the fish some bread, and after a while a crocodile got in on the act, and he wanted some bread as well. He didn't eat the fish, was started eating the bread. And so this man was very generous to feed the crocodile every day as well. Now apparently crocodiles in Sri Lanka are very dangerous. They don't eat bread, but they like somebody in the slices of the bread, like fish or people or dogs or somebody. So they're very dangerous. But apparently that on this particular occasion he went to the lagoon Azul to feed his fish. When the tsunami came in and he got carried away with the wave. And of course, when these scenarios come in, they carry you upstream, but also they they sweep you back out to sea again and is being swept out to sea and struggling for something to hold onto. Apparently he was holding onto a chair, I think I remember, but the car was too strong. He lost the chair, so it was a log and he grabbed hold of the log and the log was very, very strange while all the other debris was flowing out to the sea? The log was going in the opposite direction. Not quite sure what the log was, but it didn't really work out until that too. The log floated up close to the shore. Then he got off the log and they found the log was actually waggling his tail. It was his crocodile. His crocodile had saved to the life of somebody who was kind to it. And it's actually apparently a true story. A real story, one of the kind stories which happened after the tsunami, because this man had been feeding the crocodile When the tsunami came and started washing him into the sea. The crocodile saved his life. And he grabbed onto his friend, the crocodile, who usually eats people. And a crocodile floated to the shore with a man holding onto it. Isn't that a nice story? So it actually just shows. There is something called kindness. Something called generosity, something called gratitude in our life. And it doesn't care whether that's a Buddhist crocodile or a Christian crocodile or a Hindu crocodile. Okay, that's a good crocodile. And that's a great story. I don't care what religion the man was, but the point was, is something which is good, something which is wonderful, something which is peace, which is true, which is lovely. And that's what we should keep focusing on. And that beauty is not priesthood. It's not Buddhist, it's not anything. It's just truths. If freedom is peace. And so all the different menus, I just point to that same thing. Why don't you know what that thing is? Once you've eaten some other food, then of course you don't need to have arguments anymore. Which is why it's great being a Buddhist monk, because now in my position, you go and meet sort of, uh, Christian fathers, Muslims, all sorts of people in my life. It's a very interesting life. If anyone was to enjoy themselves and go all over the world. And when I was a kid to go all over the world, you had to join some Navy. But I say these days, if you want to see the world, become a Buddhist monk. But I did that actually, to see some really interesting people, some leaders of other religions, and, and be on the edge of life that sometimes you see people in, in extremists about close to death in hospitals. You see great tragedies, sometimes see very happy people. You. Um, you conduct marriage ceremonies when people are so happy, then you talk to them when they're getting divorced. This gives me great sadness. You see them when they get their first child, they come and bless their baby. And you go and give the baby a name sometimes. And you cut their hair for the first time. It's a tie tradition, though, that usually when the baby is just gets the first hand, the mark actually cuts it. No, because we're very good at sort of shaving things. If we only cut a little bit, we don't cut more than that. And they keep the first pieces of hair they cut off in a little piece of paper as a memento of the time when their child was a baby got the first haircut from a monk. But anyway, back to what? Why did I get onto that for I don't. This is so out of like, kindness. That's right. Because as you say, all different aspects of a person's life. So you really live on the edge of, like, happiness and sadness. See? All of it as a monk. But the point is that you see some very beautiful things happen and that beautiful things happening. I call it Dharma truce, wonderful things. And if you understand what that is, then you have an idea of why we communicate. What's actually between us the essence of being married. The essence of being a human being. The essence of me standing up here talking to you. It's not the words. It's actually, you know what's underneath all of these things. The kindness of peace, the friendliness, the recognition. I know that one of the reasons why I have to work so hard, why I am communicating well, is because I've noticed over the years that when you see someone, when you talk with them, when you're associated with them, you never as a mark I've got out of the habit. I tried myself over the years, never seeing anything wrong or bad with the people you actually talking with or looking at or being with, but always actually respecting them. There's something in Mahayana you've heard me say before, like Buddha, nature is actually the goodness of purity in somebody else. And I've noticed in my life of communicating with others, if you look at that beauty or that goodness in another person, that's what they keep on showing you again and again and again. It's actually that's what grows in that person. And really, you don't have to wait the flowers so you don't have to weed the weeds. Take out the weeds in the garden. You just have to grow more flowers. That's one of my mottos. Leave the weeds there. The flowers, the good stuff will eventually just choke them away and they have to start by themselves. So if you just keep on focusing on the flowers in yourself or in somebody else, actually that's what they show you. That's where they show themselves. And their goodness grows and grows and grows. So my advice to you, if you've got a wife is always arguing about your husband, who's always been so negative, and forget about all that argument, forget about that negative, don't even bother to even to think about it or remember it. But whenever they do kind good things, remember that have gratitude rather than criticism. If you have that gratitude and criticism and always seeing the good qualities in another person and just forgetting about their bad qualities, it's amazing just how those good qualities grown. When you're looking at their good qualities, they know that you're seeing their kindness. So goodness number one, they feel that you are a friend. You understand them. And number two, those good qualities, those kind qualities actually grow. And I get some crazy people coming to my monastery. I'm not looking at anyone here. Some people are really nutcases and they're just so upset. They've had a very hard life. They're about to commit suicide. Oh, they're just such lost cases. And you just look at them and just kind of them. You can always see something in them you can really respect. And when you see that, they realize that, yeah, there is something in them which you can respect. They see it themselves and that starts to grow. That's actually how we communicate by looking at the something in the other person which is worthy of communicating with. If you only see the negative side of another person and a communication you don't want to communicate anymore. Why do I even want to talk to that lady? Why do we even have to be in the same room with that horrible man? And if you cause you think like that, communication is best, there's no possible way of actually getting somewhere coming together. There's no possibility of seeing this beauty, this purity, this drama, this love, this wonderful thing which is there between you but you just can't see. So this is actually why that try and make your mind very, very tranquil. Let go. Be still. It's amazing just what you can see in other people when that water is calm, but it's not a ripple on the surface. You're not actually seeing what the words reflected because sometimes what's outside the person, their life situations, what's happened to them. Just like reflections on the surface of the water, it's where the water looks blue, it looks grey. The water is not blue or grey. It's just a reflection from something outside. No one is evil. Or or saintly. That's just a reflection from outside. No one is really angry or kind of a reflection. Oh no, they are kind. That's because that's what's underneath everything. If you look for what's underneath anything, the water is always pure. It's always clear underneath the surface. People have told me that even under tsunamis, even under waves, when you go deep enough under the water, sort of, there's no current or the waves actually don't feel them coming and going. It's only surface phenomena. I don't know if that's true or not, but that makes sense according to my my metaphor. And in this metaphor, if you go deep enough, this calmness, purity, this goodness in all beings, what you can recognize that you can really communicate with the person because the communication is where someone has to join you, at least on some level. And you know what it's like sometimes the people are so afraid of communicating with others because they've been hurt too often. Every time that you've actually shown yourself the other person's hug because they haven't seen your goodness, they've seen a fault in you, and they've shown that to you, and you get very miserable. You think that's all there is? You're anxious. You're panicking because you think that their faults are going to be recognised again and again and again. Isn't that one of the reasons why we have panic attacks or anxiety attacks? Because we think that someone's going to criticise us again. We're going to make a fool of ourselves. People say that's one of the reasons why speaking in public is such an important, such as fearful thing, because you're afraid of making a fool of yourself. I'm not afraid of that because I'm used to making a fool of myself. I've done it so many times. They are not afraid of anything anymore. So the point is that if you always like to focusing on the faults, what might go wrong? Then of course you do have anxiety attacks, but when you see something more underneath that the purity and other people see that purity in you, that goodness in you then is communications. No fear. Then what is trust? This trust that the other person will not criticize you, will not find fault with you will not destroy your efforts, your courageous attempt to be your truth. To emphasize that beauty in that goodness which is in each one of us. So this is actually how communication can truly happen. You communicate with the good in the other person. You just forget about the false. You communicate with the purity in yourself. You can communicate with the joy in life. You communicate with the peace. Or you can communicate in that with that peace, that joy. Then you can understand just what's really between us, what surrounds us, what unites us. When you really look upon what unites us, is all this space in this room which surrounds and embraces us like the arms of a loving mother. What actually joins us is space is emptiness, is nothingness. A tranquil, beautiful, peaceful silence of emptiness. Isn't that wonderful? They were all just blips in the beautiful emptiness of the cosmos. And this joins us all together. Embraces us, keeps us warm and cozy and peaceful and beautiful. When I get that idea, you can see there's no difference between us. When we see that, we We can see the beauty in each one of us. You can see that which is worthy of communicating with. We can respect each other with that respect, this communication. It's only when religious discourse, when you do meet Catholics, Anglicans born against Muslims or Hindus or whatever, it's only when you have that mutual respect you can have communication. It takes a while to build up that respect, and how you build up their respect is seeing something in the other person. Which is really worthy of respect, something you can really enjoy and love. And that's why I remember going to, uh, what was it, uh, Christchurch College last year and to give, uh, one of the addresses at the assembly. And as I was walking in there, there was the headmaster and the the chaplain, uh, of course, his name. Frank. Sorry. She and I say, Frank, she's a really great guy. As we walked in there, the headmaster, the principal, said, look, when we go in there, it's a Christian service is an altar. There we go. But you don't have to bow. He told me and I said, why not? I demand my rights about. So I bowed also. There is no bad. What's a Buddhist monk doing bound to a Christian shrine? You know why I bowed? Because I could see something in that shrine which I respected and cared for. And so I don't bow to Jesus no more. No bow to the Buddha, no more than about to anyone. I bow to those qualities in the Buddhist statue, which I respect, those qualities in that Jesus statue, which I respected, those qualities anywhere which I respect. So I deliberately look for something to respect. There's not it hard to find. When I saw something to respect, I can see things to respect in criminals. I can see things to respect in in crocodiles. And especially now, after that story, I can say things to respect his snakes. It's a strange thing. There were so many snakes when I was a young monkey in Thailand, but there's no way I would ever get bitten. I felt so safe with snakes because I really respected them. I don't mean I respected their power, but I really cared for them. I felt so much compassion for snakes a lot of the time, because I was one of these people always like underdogs and snakes, nobody else like them. So I think if no one else likes you, I like you. So I really cared for those snakes, and I think they felt it so they would never harm you at all. And you start seeing great fun because I've already told you that. I think that story when I peed on a snake in the jungle juice, they got up in the morning and I just went outside cause there's no toilets. So you just used to urinate in the forest? Once I was up, there was that dawn. So there's quite. You know, the light wasn't all that good, and I was a bit sleepy, I must admit. And so I urinated. I thought it was on a stick, but then the stick started to wiggle. But I realised I'd urinated on a snake, had peed on it. I was very fortunate it didn't bite me, especially on the offending part. But I think the main reason they didn't fight me because there was a cold morning and it probably felt so nice to be warmed up a bit. It's very rare that snakes get hot baths. And anyway, I was with a good monk so I used to say probably got blessed with holy water. Actually, I told that story in Java because I just say, well, because I was about 2 or 3 weeks ago, I was in Central Java and I was reading this in Java. They have Buddhism is is amazingly strong. And there's a whole village is one village I went to. They had a little temple there. No village was Buddhist, but they're very simple folk. And it had to be translated into, uh, not even in Indonesia, but Javanese, because that was their local dialect. So I knew I had to give a talk, a simple toy, which everybody would remember. So I told a few snake stories. That was one of them, and they really cracked up. They thought I was incredibly funny, but I'm sort of peeing on a snake and thinking it was holy water. But anyway, because you actually see some goodness in snakes, nothing to fear. That's actually how you have a communication with snakes. How you can actually have a relationship with them. What can be dangerous becomes your friend. Now, if you can actually pee on a snake and the snake never bites you, imagine what you could do with a husband or with a wife. But. I don't mean urinate on them, but sometimes what I mean is you can do things which, you know, sometimes if you're going to even say things, you know which other people might get offended, but because you've got some understanding, some respect to each other, you know, some understanding of each other, you don't need to get upset and get angry. Now, when no, she comes over, she's in a bad mood or he's in a bad mood. It's just life sometimes makes us that way. People in the office are sometimes grumpy. They shout at us so they scream at us. They swear at us. It's not your fault. It's just. Life is like that. Don't you feel like screaming and shouting sometimes and getting upset? So when other people do that, it's not your fault. It's just they've had a hard day, a bad day. So some day, if your wife comes home and she's so upset and angry at you, just give her a good heart and say, you poor thing, you must have had a terrible day today because sit down, have a cup of tea or whatever else you like. Because then you realizing their anger is not your fault. It's their pain. That's why I always give compassion to people who are angry. You never try and have self-justification. You give compassion to poor Sigsworth, who had a terrible time and a lot of time. You know, they take out their anger on you because they really think, even subconsciously, that you can understand them and hopefully you can. So they get angry. They shout at you to stand there and take it out of compassion for your wife or for your husband, out of love for her, and afterwards give her a big hug. I made this before. I haven't got a wife and my marks actually are so good at the monitor. They don't show up. Every now and again. You get people ringing up and shouting and complaining, and there's this one person. I don't think she listens to the internet, thank goodness. Otherwise, I probably get another phone call from her who comes on the telephone and starts swearing. And it's just Buddhism, a lot of old bullshit. And that sounded the lightest thing. She says. I'm going to come up here a new moving box, I'm going to come here, she says with an M-16 and shoot you all. That's what she says. But I just listen to her because I know why she says that is nothing to do with the monks. It's nothing to do with Buddhism. She's had such a terribly hard life and she's such a very sensitive person. She is actually very, very kind. And when she sees someone being harmed by her, oh, she just sometimes goes crazy because she's so sensitive inside. So such a kind and generous and warm person. So I just listen to it. Sometimes it's for 5 or 10 minutes. She's screaming along. And then afterwards I remember when she said, oh, you know, you must think I'm this dragon lady because that's what her friends call her, the dragon lady. And I said, no, you're not. Actually, I like dragons because in dragon dragons, in in Chinese culture, in Buddhist culture, even in Aboriginal culture, they're holy beings. They're Nagas, dragons. So I said, yeah, you know, the dragon lady is a really good idea. But I also said, no. I said, you know, just like these chocolates, which sometimes they give us, you got sort of hard on the interior, but you've got a soft centre that are actually about six times, she says. Other marks, about three times, actually, and probably about six times too. It's just like a comedy, because all I need to do is just to listen to her. But as I'm listening to, always respect her and always to say that underneath all that anger, all that swearing, all that shouting. This beautiful lady who's lived a very interesting and wonderful life. And when I say that after a while she calms down and calms down. She talks to me about the suffering she's had in her life, the difficulties. That's all she needs is someone to understand her, to be at peace with that. That's how I communicate with her. And so every now and again, she gives me a call. The other bugs can't do that. So I have to answer the phone. Ten, 15, 20 minutes. But it's really worthwhile to give just one person a bit of peace in their life. So I'm the one who understands her. That's all you need to do to communicate. To see something good and beautiful and peaceful in the other person. And that's what they will show you. So we actually do that with our so-called enemies in this world. Can we do that with life? Can't we do that with other religions? Really working hard with this? With other religions. You go to people who you know to. I don't haven't got much of an idea. I read the book about the Koran when I was young, but I haven't really got an idea of actually how Muslims think. And so that was at last, um, New Year's today, before New Year's Eve in Singapore, we had this dialogue with a muslim, myself and a muslim on stage in front of the Minister for Muslim Affairs in Singapore and a few others, and just trying to find out exactly who are you and how do you think? And throughout this whole encounter, I was just looking at him, not trying to find out all the faults and how we differ, but actually finding out how you think, you know, you're a human being, like a mind like myself was his kind, sincere, really wanting to do good in the world and try and actually find that which we could actually agree on. Not in a sort of a superficial way, but in a very, very deep way. And that's how communication happens. I remember at that particular event who was supposed to be a dad, which was not dinner and dance. It was dinner. And they said, and it was now they're having this meal. And all I had was a couple of pieces of chocolate. It's very tough being a man, because sometimes you have to go to these events and they're serving this amazing, delicious meal. And all you've got is 1 or 2 pieces of chocolate on your plate. It's very tough being a monkey. But anyway, while we're doing this, this, uh, this dialogue together. And I was only in the middle of the dinner about, you know, about for about 6 or 7 courses, like a Chinese meal. And I think that about between the third and the fourth, and they still needed to serve a lot more. And people were saying, no, carry on with the dialogue because it was very interesting and people were getting much more out of this dialogue. It's like a Buddhist monk and a muslim leader were trying to get close to each other, looking at that within them and in each of them, which is very beautiful and wonderful. When you can do this, it's amazing just how you can have communication. You have to be tranquil. You have to be peaceful. You have to really listen, but listen in ways you've never done before. Listen to ideas, ways of looking at things which are foreign to your experience. To do that, you have to be so tranquil, so still. To listen in a completely new way. Can you do that to your partner? Don't just follow the old habits. Here she goes again and react in the same old way again. Make your mind that's still at new possibilities. New ways of looking. New ways of responding can open up. I find that very easy in my life. You don't always do the same thing, okay? I do tell the same jokes very often, but I don't always exactly the same talk. There's always a little bit of difference every week. And when you actually do things differently here things differently. And of course that spiritual growth, that's world growth. That's the possibility of actually solving the problems on this world. And there's always a possibility of solving the worst of problems. I don't think there's any problem which is unsolvable. If one has the ability just to see the beauty in another person, the goodness inside of them. That truth, that love, that Christian will call it the God within you if you want the truth, the essence, if you like to see that and respect that, that's the most important thing. And all these other little bits and pieces, you know, the things which we sometimes argue about, they're just so superficial. They're so petty. He killed my father. He raped my daughter. For those who can't see the essence, that might be a huge thing, a huge problem. If you see something more than that, something deeper, you can actually let those things go. Those don't become so important. You may find it strange, but that's how I see things. That's why when people die, sometimes matters of life and death are not so important to me anymore. Even harm and cruelty. Yeah, that's important, but it's not so important. What's the most important to me is forgiveness. What's most important to me is peace and harmony. Resolving conflicts, putting him aside, his tranquility, letting everything disappear and go so they can really be peace when one has that understanding of essence. And I think there is the possibility of communication, and you find that essence in tranquility and peace and stillness. You can see it in yourself, in the stillness of your mind, and you can see it in others when your mind is also tranquil and the waves on the surface are all settled down. And if you see truly, deeply into the nature of that water, see right to its very depths. When nothing is distorted, you can always find something to respect in any religion and any person. And there you have communication based on respect. And what you actually emphasizing is the other person's prowess. And that's what they show you. And anyone will be your friend. So that's little talk about how to resolve conflicts through tranquility and deeper understanding and respect of something which each one of you had touched a few moments ago. You're all so silent. I think you touched what I was talking about. So thank you for listening. Okay. Any questions on this evening's talk? All right. It was really quiet tonight. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's. I know in jail that there's a culture in jail because, again, I've been in jail, but not as a convict, but as a visitor many times. They say if a person is too passive, they don't get any help. But a lot of times a person actually does get, uh, into trouble is sometimes because their attitude problems. And because I said, sometimes you bring it upon yourself, sometimes just the way you look at other people. But I'm sure that you could, you know, you can be kind, you can look on the other person and they will look after you. Not because you're tough physically, because you're tough mentally. You can actually look in other people because so many other people want to be respected. You want to be like, you want to be understood. And if you find someone who can do that, they're your friend for life. So I think this may be another way, actually, to overcome that find. And it's not fighting back because, you know, it's maybe in a prison. I'm not sure. You know, you put yourself in that position, or maybe if you become a soldier, you put yourself in that position. It's a bit of a difficult position you put yourself in already. So. But if you actually married in this world, certainly in those situations, you don't need to fight. You might have been already before you fought in a marriage for in a relationship, but it's just everyone's got better at you as well. You can see what happens in this world. You fight your enemies and, uh. Does it really work? You just get more revenge and more resentment. Uh, there must be some other way. And the religions fight each other. Who's got the best religions? Can't we actually stop fighting like kids in the playground and actually learn to be friends and walk together and respect each other's differences? Yes, that's the way I think we should work there. I thank you for that. So maybe we'll wind up now. And start because I know I go, whoa. I got a one on one, I mean. So I'm like, oh my God. Oh, my. God, no. Oh god, oh God, oh my God, I guess I can so I don't know my are being.